The title of this post was derived from a story (that I consider a tale) that I read of a lady who married a guy that blew her away with his knowledge of the scriptures and passion for spiritual things. She had dumped her former boyfriend whom she had considered ‘shallow’ in the holy writ for the ‘saint’. Later on, she regrettably found out that her ‘anointed’ husband, whom she married against the advice of wise observers, was not as fascinating anymore as she discovered human weaknesses in him.
Sis, marry the man, not his anointing. Marry the man, not his money. Marry the guy, not his fame. Marry the guy, not his success.
Bro, marry the lady not her beauty. Marry the lady, not her sweet voice and exceptional talent. Marry the lady, not her model-figure. Marry the lady, not her ‘slay’ features. Marry the lady and not her sexiness.
Sis, that guy whom you call your alpha-male now; your hero from Marvel Comics and movies, might one day manifest undesirable attitudes. He might want absolute submissiveness. He might ask you to quit your job, passions and interests because he is always suspecting that some guy around where you are working is ‘competing’ for your attention. He could be so dominating and controlling and you would wonder if you are a robot or a free-thinking human. He could push you to limits where he threatens you and subjects you to fear and blackmails. He might blame you for his wrong actions and bad habits, playing on your mind until you really accept that you pushed him to do them. He might take you on emotional roller-coasters, subjecting you to so much emotional stress. He could get physical with you; push you, hit you on the face. He might manifest all the qualities that point to narcissism and you will wonder how a human being can always be right, is never wrong, never apologizes and always exonerates himself from his own wrongs. He might be sloppy with finances and be a spend-thrift. He could do certain other unpleasant things that I leave to your imagination.
Bro, one day, that lady will annoy you and, her angel-like features will not mean anything to you. That lady will say things to you that will make you pity yourself for bringing her into your home/life. That lady will do something that you consider so stupid and, in your anger, you will wonder how you could have ever gotten to the point of making a decision to take her to the altar. That lady will do things that will tempt the beast in you (if there is any) to manifest itself. That lady will push you to your very limits and extremes of emotions (especially the unpleasant ones). As a woman, she might follow her emotions to take actions that are actually unreasonable, and as a guy who is dominantly rational, you will wonder how she could be so stupid or dull. You are likely to see the most vulnerable aspects of her (that probably no other person is aware of) and will have to make an ethical decision whether to take advantage of her or not.
Be aware of their humanity and not only their awesomeness.
Most people get attracted to the opposite sex because of something distinct and amazing about them. It could be their success, wealth, power, beauty, goal-driven nature and so forth. Yet, we need to look beneath the veil of the charisma or beauty and uncover the true nature of the person behind the façade.
No one is perfect, only God is: even angels are not perfect (remember that Satan was once a pleasant angel who later fell). Everybody has faults and weaknesses. A wise way to make a marital commitment is to do so with the full awareness that, “Yes, I know his/her weaknesses and they are the kinds that can be healed. He/she is committing to work on them.” The trite saying that, “Love is blind and marriage opens the eyes,” is not a cliché for fun. It happens to many persons. However, it isn’t too late to make amends whether you are unmarried or unhappily married. For the unmarried, please don’t be hasty. Dr D.K. Olukoya frequently says that the next important decision after salvation is the decision of whom to marry. He usually emphasizes that marriage will either make or mar your destiny. Go into it prayerfully and knowledgeably. Having butterfly feelings with the proposed-spouse is only part of the process. It is not all. What unusual/unpleasant/immoral behaviors or attitudes have you observed, but shoved under the carpet/ignored? What are your godly mentors and parents saying? What are your trusted friends saying about the person? And don’t tell me that all of them are jealous or just want to spoil your joy. If you’re in this latter position, it’s a flashing danger sign that you’re in a toxic relationship.
For the regretfully married, I humbly suggest: please seek help from a godly and professional counselor. The emphasis is on ‘professional’ help from a counselor who fears God; a neutral person who is not going to guide you to make biased or sentimental decisions.
Summarily, singles, seek to know details about the person you are committing to. Be aware of their present and past weaknesses. Be aware of their humanity and not only their awesomeness. Also, work on yourself and be a person who is better today than yesterday. Commit to someone who is willing to build a lasting friendship with you. Not every day in marriage will be romantic, but every day with a true friend will be fun and adventurous.
Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22 (NASB)
Happy New Month!